liivewiire (liivewiire) wrote in anti_ana,

originally posted as a reply, thought it'd be good for anyone/everyone with or without this

  i've lived this. time and again. not to its fullest extremes, but pretty damn close, inches away from them. so, i think i'm cured. but it took almost dying to realize i can't do this anymore. i cut off all of my friends, my sister STILL won't talk to me, it's been months, i put my family through hell, oh yeah, and i nearly dropped out of college, OH, but wait, i did drop out of college, after. but i fought through that first term with everything i had. i was completely isolated and no one effing understood. you're right about the mom not thinking it's a real problem and an exaggeration and whatnot. and it's even harder because in that state, you honestly cannot think. your brain isn't functioning, and oh, you forgot to mention that this helps you develop MAD ANXIETY ISSUES. stress on the mad part, alluding to INSANE. which then may also turn into a horrible case of OCD, oh yeah, and that's what caused it, and that's what helped it continue, and luckily, since i'd been through it before, i knew all i had to do to get better was eat, except no, this time was different, this time i took it too far, whereas before i'd done it in controlled periods of time and stopped when i wanted to, while i was still in control, this time i continued for too long and i lost control of myself, my mind, my environment and everything in it. the only thing i'm thankful for is that something really drastic and life-altering happened this young in my life, while i can still change my circumstances and move in a positive plane. i'm glad that for once its reality really hit me head-on and i was able to see this is not the way to do things, and i can't play around with this, not even for a second, cause that second turns into a minute, turns into an hour, to a day, to weeks, to months, to freaking forever. i just really feel the need to stress that you REALLY LOSE CONTROL. you don't think the way YOU do. it's like it's not your brain anymore. anyway, i think i've said enough, and i'm sure anyone who's been through this can totally relate and understands the meaning of losing control and not being your own person anymore, but rather a controlled outsider, completely blind to the insanity that takes over and becomes you. UNTIL YOU EAT. oh yeah, and it's not as simple as just eating again. you have to KEEP eating, and keep eating until your brain chemistry shifts back into a somewhat normal gear and you feel like yourself again. and by then, you'll probably have enough regrets stacked up, but you have to let them go and just be glad you're over it.
also, you're never the same.
stronger, yes.
but more messed up? yes.
it forever becomes a part of you.
oh. and the worst part?
you have to live with the fact that you and you alone did this to yourself for noooo goood reason. and you do realize that, AFTER, when you can't tke it back.
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