digidrama (digidrama) wrote in anti_ana,

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New here

I'm new here...
I've been going through a lot of rough things with my family lately... and I'm afraid I may be relapsing.

I almost joined a pro-ana site before I completely saw my error and joined this instead. I want to get better. II must be honest and say I do really want to lose weight- but that is my crazy mind speaking- because my intellect KNOWS that I don't want to go down that road again. It's so scary... and hard... and I am dealing with a lot of depression (major depression) and anxiety... which is not helping the fact that I want to relapse- because I feel completely out of control. I just started on antidepressants... but I need control now.

I just need support... but I feel like nobody knows how I'm feeling because they haven't suffered the same obsessive thoughts.

I'm so ashamed that I'm going down this road again...
but I can't get the thought "5 more pounds... 5ore pounds" out of my head. I'm 5'8. I'm tall. I've always been gangly... even before my ED. Once that struck... I was skin in bones at 80lbs. I NEVER want to be there again... but 120 seems, all of a sudden... too much for me to handle.

I'm sorry to be so depressing sounding. I'm just glad I chose to come here then choe some mind-boggling pro-ana site... what was I thinking?????

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