digidrama (digidrama) wrote in anti_ana,

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New here

I'm new here...
I've been going through a lot of rough things with my family lately... and I'm afraid I may be relapsing.

I almost joined a pro-ana site before I completely saw my error and joined this instead. I want to get better. II must be honest and say I do really want to lose weight- but that is my crazy mind speaking- because my intellect KNOWS that I don't want to go down that road again. It's so scary... and hard... and I am dealing with a lot of depression (major depression) and anxiety... which is not helping the fact that I want to relapse- because I feel completely out of control. I just started on antidepressants... but I need control now.

I just need support... but I feel like nobody knows how I'm feeling because they haven't suffered the same obsessive thoughts.

I'm so ashamed that I'm going down this road again...
but I can't get the thought "5 more pounds... 5ore pounds" out of my head. I'm 5'8. I'm tall. I've always been gangly... even before my ED. Once that struck... I was skin in bones at 80lbs. I NEVER want to be there again... but 120 seems, all of a sudden... too much for me to handle.

I'm sorry to be so depressing sounding. I'm just glad I chose to come here then choe some mind-boggling pro-ana site... what was I thinking?????

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I'm so glad you decided to come here, too. *big hugs*

Depression and anxiety make so many things more difficult. I'll be thinking about you. Please let us know if there's anything we can do to help support you through your continued recovery.

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after realizing my issues, I did open up to my parents- because when I was anorexic before- hid it all... and managed to "heal" myself by myself... so in doing that, I've always been scared that I will go back to my old ways, since I never had any help. I've opened up to everyone within the past 2 weeks because I realize what I'm doing and I KNOW (based on maturity now, and experience!) that I never want to do that to myself again.

They tell me I'm a strong girl- and I beat it once, I can beat this again.
How are other ways to gain this feeling of control though?
I was put on Effexor 2 weeks ago because I was suffering from the major depression and panic attacks. I know it takes time for the meds to settle in- and I know it's starting to work, because I've felt the side effects...
I just wish I could just feel normal again! Happy, in control etc!
I went 7 years without falling back into my anorexic behavior- and I was really proud of myself.

My brother came out to us that he was having suicidal thoughts- and had even researched how to kill himself online. After that he sliced his arms every night. He was sent to a rehab facility and 2 weeks later was let out. He's doing better... he was diagnosed as having a different kind of bipolar disorder- where he's either depressed... or uber depressed. But his meds should be kicking in soon- and he is making progress. It has affected the family though. It was such a shock to me because he didn't seem sick at all. I was at college when I found out and couldn't go home to see him for another 2 months... it was hell.

3 days ago my sister withdrew from college because of similar cutting and depression. She is also going to a rehab center and this is just another blow to me. There is no control in my life... just chaos... and once again, I won't be home for another month and a half.

I'm alone up here at college. Sure, I have friends... but I feel like they wouldn't understand ( I know my first mistake).

I have been seeing a counselor since I found out about my brother. Some days it helps, other days it feels like a waste of time.

thank you for the support- I was having a difficult time.
I agree with talking to your doctor or counselor about it. You don't want an ED relapse on top of everything else you're going through. Hang in there--you can do this.